Tsunami Warning.

Looks like surf's up in Ketchikan!

Statehood Since 1959.

Alaska became the 49th State in the Union in 1959. That is 53 years ago. Yet, as any Alaskan will tell you, as far as a lot of businesses "Down South" are concerned, we are not in the United States. I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating it is to try and order something and be told that your zip code can not be found. It is even more frustrating when a stupid web form simply tells you your zip code "does not exist" OR "please enter a valid zip code for the United States". Now, I just so happen to live in "Nowhere, Alaska",

but seriously, people, we are definitely IN THE UNITED STATES. The USPS will ship here for NO EXTRA COST. It disgusts me that a lot of businesses have some sort of deal signed in blood with UPS and simply will not ship any other way. My latest frustration comes from trying to order life-like rubber eels for props in the upcoming First City Players production of My Fair Lady. I had to order these things from a place in NC, because these life-like lures are used as bait for Atlantic striped bass. Their web form did not like the zipcode 99901 and their email went into my spam box. Fortunately I called in and was able to order my eels. The phone conversation was interesting. I was transferred to two different people before I could get my eels shipped out. They were also curious what anyone in Alaska planned to catch with these lures (my answer of "I'm planning to catch applause" didn't clarify the matter). What I absolutely love about my life is that my husband came up from his basement office that day and said: "Oh, you're ordering rubber eels? Is that for home decor?" We have been married for almost eleven years and he knows me so well. Yes, after the musical performances are over, these are most definitely becoming home decor!

Just Another Day on the Island.

Island life... I love it! Don't tell any of the long-time islanders that we live in a small town. They will protest and say we live in the fifth largest community in Alaska (we used to be the fourth largest, but were surpassed by Wasilla last year). While that is technically true, our community is small enough that the year-round residents all know one another. And if we don't know you personally, we at least know OF you. So I was rather surprised when I attempted to pay my telephone and electric bill at the KPU office today. I walked up to the counter, like I always do, and the Newbie (who was on a personal phone call, btw. ) asked me for the phone number on my accounts. I gave it to her and handed her my debit card. "Um, first and last name?" I gave her my name. "Um, you are not on this account." I told her my husband's name. "You can't pay for this account, because your name is not on it." I told her I always pay this account, as my husband works during their opening hours (he used to be the Engineering Manager for KPU for God's sake!!!!) "Well, I can not tell you the balance of the account, because you are not on it." I told her I did not need to hear the balance; just to swipe my card and pay for whatever the balance was. "Sorry, you can't pay for the account." I asked her if she knew who I was (obviously she did not). I told her everyone else in the office would know who I am (she was not inclined to go ask anyone) I asked for her supervisor. "She is out to lunch." I told the Dingbat KPU would not be getting their payment today, laughed at her and walked out. The Customer Service Award of the year most definitely will NOT go to Ketchikan Public Utilities. Wherever did they find this idiot? And who, pray tell, trained her on her customer service skills? I know I can be difficult to deal with at times (and the whole island knows that too); I am no longer allowed to call the local Well's Fargo branch, because apparently my deep seeded hatred for banks and all they represent, and the constant fuck-ups of Wells Fargo make for a very volatile combination. But hey, I was being very nice to this Doofenschmirtz at KPU and just wanted to give her my money! I am certain this little exchange will make its way through the grapevine. All was not lost though. My day was by far more special and exciting than yours! Why? Because I got to witness the miracle of life! At ten till six, I got a call notifying me that my friend Cami was having contractions close together and I needed to get my ass over to the hospital. I am very honored that Cami asked me to be present at the birth of my Godson, Daniel, so I suited up for the chilly night and walked over to the hospital.

You know you're Alaskan when your boots are made of moosehide and your hat is made of harbor seal and sea otter (suck on that PETA!) When I rang the bell at labor and delivery, the nurse told me to come in and "show my hands". I had a serious WTF-moment, but figured they had some weird new security rule, so I walk in with my hands up like a criminal. "No, GEL your hands! GEL, GEL!" I am happy to report they just wanted me to sanitize my dirty paws, not come in with my hands up! My reputation isn't quite as bad as I imagined. It was hilarious to be recognized by the nurse and the midwife though! They asked me how I liked being on "the other side" of the bed for a change (I've had 2 kids here in the past 20 months). At just before seven, we welcomed precious baby Daniel into the world!

So glad you are here, baby Daniel. Your mommy picked your Godmother well; the whole island knows I will never let anything bad happen to you.

I Survived Hell Day.

With my husband out of town for business, I was left with our four kids and their octogenarian, memory-impaired granny this week. It's been rough. Today was going to be the toughest day. Orion had to be at the gun club at 9 AM for shooting, archery and first aid with his cub scout pack. I had rehearsal for the Fall Musical, My Fair Lady (and no babysitter) and the Senior Carnival was on in the evening. I could have cancelled all but the rehearsal, but I never would. Senior Carnival is a tradition, so there was no way I wasn't going to go and I would rather be sore and tired than have my kids miss out on the fun little things in life. I am certain they will not remember how frazzled their mother was on days like this, but they will remember the joy they felt. Got up early, fixed breakfast, threw a roast in the slow cooker, made sandwiches and snacks for rehearsal and sent Orion off to the gun club with his friend and my camera. He took about 85 pictures. There was one on there of him.

I drove to granny's apartment, fed her breakfast and gave her AM meds, off to rehearsal. My three youngest range in age from 4 months to 3 years and they did so well! I am very grateful for all the cast members who helped keep an eye on them! Also, we are working our tails off for this musical. If you live in Ketchikan, you absolutely HAVE to come see it (buy your tickets HERE) Drove back home, fed everyone lunch, put babies down for nap, drove to granny's and fed her lunch, went to get cash and headed off to Senior Carnival. I would not have survived it, were it not for our "bolderkar":

It's a Rambler Daytrack by Walkingwagon.com and not currently available in the US. I had my mom purchase one for me in Europe and ship it over. Totally worth it. The minute we walked into the gymnasium where the games are, Corvus spotted two guys in chicken suits and was screeching with glee.

We got a few games in and I was buying the boys balloons when Corvus somehow managed to get out of the wagon and disappear. The crowd was starting to get big at this point and I had a moment of sheer terror. Corvus, is 20 months and has no fear whatsoever. He has already had stitches to the face, enjoys climbing barnacle-encrusted rocks at the beach, jumping off the dock and other dangerous things. I often joke he will be a Airborne Ranger or Marine if he makes it to 18! I am freaking out, because I know this kid and how fearless he is. The balloon people do not seem to understand the gravity of the situation. I search for about five minutes and remember the chicken guys. Sure enough, Corvus had walked back there (how he knew where to go, I am not sure; the place was packed and we were halfway down the gymnasium). He was jumping up and down joyfully, hugging one of the chicken guys' legs and squeaking. The next moment of terror was of a different sort. It happened at the bungee run. Rigel didn't quite understand that he could not be in the same lane as his big brother and had a full-blown, rolling-on-the-floor tantrum. He NEVER does that. I am Draconian about bedtime for the children, just so they don't get over fatigued and pull this sort of thing, but hey, I've been flying solo all week and this day was jam packed. If the earth could have swallowed me whole at that moment, it would have been just fine by me. I stood there reciting the first few lines of William Blake's Auguries of Innocence (which is what I do when I get overwhelmed and need some perspective). Truth be told, I would have prayed to Cthulhu if I thought it would have helped. One of the friendly boys manning the booth tried to assist: "Hey lady, can I help you somehow? Can I give him candy?" ::cue Rigel screaming:: "Does he want a prize?" ::more screaming:: It was well meant, but that ship had sailed. I somehow managed to calm him back down, but was pretty much done at that point. I gave Orion our last few tickets and sent him off to get some final games in. Duty done, time to go. My day was not done, of course. We still had to feed granny her dinner and give her evening medicines. By the time I got home, I was a wreck. I'm sore, tired, emotionally drained, but I survived Hell Day! And when I tucked my kids in, they all agreed it was "The Best Day Ever".

Farewell, Big Tex.

Today, Big Tex burned down.

Why do I care? For the three and a half miserable years I called Dallas, TX my home, the State Fair was a BIG DEAL. I hated the State Fair, because I worked at Fair Park. I was an aquarist at the Dallas Aquarium at Fair Park. I was the resident cold water expert and Giant Pacific Octopus expert.

(This is "Dozette", my first giant pacific octopus at the Dallas Aquarium at Fair Park; she lived 6 months past senescence and was put down to make room for a new octopus :( ) Anyway, so I saw my place of work turn into a fucking circus for a few weeks each year for State Fair. The first year I was there, our back area was still the camp ground for the carnies, which left me to finding used condoms and beer bottles on the back steps daily during Fair time. The next year the Carnies were moved elsewhere, except for the chap who ran the caramel apple stands and his fancy camper, which was parked right beside our education building and once hooked his camper up to our saltwater line. The Fair was always a pain in my side, because I all of a sudden had to get a special parking sticker and go through security for the place I worked at year round! One year I even had a co-worker who did not get a parking sticker ask me to "misplace" mine, sell it to her and ask for a new one (she did not know that those of us who received a sticker were told we would only get ONE and no more, no excuses) Did I mention the Texas State Fair was a BIG FUCKING DEAL?? So we all pretended to complain. And I will not lie, I used my grandfather's shipyard whistle and my uniform to direct my coworker's and my car out of the fair grounds at day's end (yes, you'd be surprised; if you wear ANY kind of uniform and blow a whistle, people will listen to you and assume you're some kind of official who is allowed to STOP THEM IN THEIR TRACKS!) But in the end, I kind of enjoyed the hustle and bustle of the State Fair. My husband and eldest son LOVED it (yes, I only had one child back then). Where else would I ever have been able to eat a "deep fried chili frito burrito"? (by the way, that was the winner of the fryer contest in like 2007 or 2008 and it tasted like angels dancing on your tongue!) And Big Tex was the icon of the Fair! He started his life as an enormous 52-foot Santa Claus before being bought and refinished into a 52-foot animatronic cowboy that greeted fair goers.

(latter picture copywrighted to the Novinski family) Big Tex stood for 60 years and he is just about the ONLY thing I will miss from Texas. I will not miss the heat. I will not miss living on a street that is just one block away from total Ghetto and one more block away from multi-million dollar mansions (I lived in "Munger Place" and was entirely too libertarian for my neighbos' tastes. I remember well being the only one speaking out against hiring a "private security company" to hang up monitored cameras for us. I remember well reminding my neighbors how dangerous the Patriot Act was and what a slippery slope it would be. I remember well how there were hobos everywhere. I remember well how some had the nerve to actually RING MY DOORBELL to panhandle me (here in Alaska, we have no hobos; they would just freeze to death. Don't mark me as a heartless person; somehow the perspective of freezing to death in Winter inspires people to NOT BE HOBOS). But I will miss Big Tex. Rest in peace, old friend. You brought me joy and the world is a sadder place now that I know you are not in it.

Multi-layered Brain Jell-o.

Just in time for Halloween! I'll show you how to make a cool Jell-o mold. We saw this brain mold at Alaskan & Proud last week and just had to have it. We made this beauty for last night's season premiere of The Walking Dead. You'll need a mold, some olive oil, Jell-o and sour cream.

Here's what you do. Get some bowls out for your different Jell-o layers. Add one cup of boiling water to each Jell-o flavor. It is important that you DO NOT add the cold water like the box says. Your Jell-o will not be sturdy enough for the mold! You are going to alternate your layers between clear Jell-o, and opaque Jell-o (not just for show; this helps with structure too). For your opaque layers, mix two tablespoons of sour cream into your bowl. You will want to start and end with a clear Jell-o layer. (We chose green and yellow pus for the lower layers as a hat tip to the meningitis outbreak on the East Coast ;) )

Grease your mold and pour the first layer in. Place mold in the fridge for 20 minutes. Your layer must be set just enough to pour the next one on top. Keep on layering your Jell-o like this, letting each layer set for about 20 minutes.

When all your layers are in, let the mold set overnight. When you are ready to serve, pull your mold out of the fridge and gently warm the outside with your hands. Place a plate on top of your mold and turn over. Voila! Jell-0 mold!

Weekend Update.

I actually had a very nice weekend. I've been under a tremendous amount of stress lately; my husband is working FUCKED UP North Korean-style hours and on top of that is preparing for an exam next week on which his very job depends. What does this mean? It means that he works all day (18 hours on one particular day; yes I keep track) and studies all night. This leaves me with, well, EVERYTHING else. It's like being a single mom to four kids plus a geriatric, anorexic mother-in-law. I am spread so thin, I could just snap at any minute. On a good day it is hard enough to give everyone who depends on me enough attention. I'm not even going to mention how hard it has been of late. On Friday night, I tried to cheer up my friend who is at the tail end of a very hard, very complicated pregnancy.

On Saturday I actually got to take the whole family out. Play time and minigolf!

Followed by dinner at the Pioneer Pantry.

That is the seafood dinner platter, and yes, I ate it all! I guess one of the perks of being me is that I can eat 5000 calories a day and still be losing weight ;) I am so happy I decided to just relax with the family. My place is a mess and that drives me crazy, but time is so fickle with your children. We had two milestones this weekend as well. One involves toilet training, so I will not go into detail about that one. The other was Orion losing his third tooth. At just a month shy of 8 years old, I know he is very late in changing his teeth. He has been very late with everything, and that's just fine by me, but there it is! The proverbial bicycle rack!

I myself was very late in changing teeth. I remember having a bunch of my baby teeth pulled at age 14, because they had not come out yet (and I was in desperate need of some heavy orthodontic work). I also had my canines pulled. This was all done by a very ancient, Dutch dentist with ancient dental equipment and without any pain killers (and it left me with a LIFETIME dreaded fear of dentists). ::shivers:: Well, now that I have ensured giving myself nightmares, I'll call it a weekend! Sad it's over! Rough seas ahead this week. Hold Fast, my friends. I know I have to keep reminding myself of that.

October is Here; Do You Know Where Your Lantern Is?

After a beautiful Indian Summer, I knew October finally decided to hit Ketchikan when I found debris outside of my house this morning. John has not put up his weather station yet, so I can not tell you exactly how high the wind gusts were last night, but they were pretty impressive. In fact, a barge blew into a ferry at the ferry terminal today:

(disclaimer: I did NOT take this picture. Someone sent it to my husband. I have no idea who took it, but all credit goes to this unknown photographer ;) ) So, Ketchikan, count your lucky stars those containers didn't fall onto the dock or spill into the water. See just how easy it can be for our shops to have empty shelves for a week? So far, we've had only one power outage a few weeks ago. Of course it struck right when I was on the toilet and I stumbled to my lantern (yes, I know exactly where all my lanterns are this time of year), only to mess up the glass and ruin the wick. I have since re-stocked on lanterns, marine grade glow sticks (the yellow ones are the best and actually provide lots of light) and other supplies. That particular power outage was caused by a telephone line that rotted through and toppled over. We used to replace our telephone lines every ten years on this island (because that is a smart thing to do when you have at least two months worth of hurricane-force winds each year), but the City Manager decided that cost too much money. Yes, never mind how much it costs to have to send crews out to fix those things when they rot through at midnight on any given day. I'm sure it's more important to pay the City Manager's juiced-up salary (which is more than the Governor of Alaska's salary, btw) than it is to replace those telephone poles routinely every ten years. Oh, do I sound bitter? Well perhaps that is because I now have to expect power outages because of lack of maintenance on a regular basis in Fall. Our Fall weather is so foul that it would make headline news if it happened in any other State. I would love to have Anderson Cooper here for a few months a year (yes, I know he is gay. I knew before he officially came out, but a girl can dream and swoon over his perfect, platinum hair, can't she?). Alas, this is just all part of the life Alaskan, so grab your lantern and be prepared ;)

When The Shit Hits The Fan; Will There Be Kool Aid?

I can not stress enough how important I think it is that all my friends keep a supply of emergency food. Some of you think I'm a kook, and that's ok. I just want you to know that my grandparents, living in peaceful, prosperous Netherlands, never expected they'd be eating tulip bulbs and Grampa's pet pigeons. This is exactly what happened in the Winter of 1944 when the supply trains to Amsterdam were cut off. People were eating their cats, dogs and leather shoes. Just you think about that when you are laughing at me (and don't come knocking on my door when you are hungry either; I will tell you "I told you so" ;) ) I will not go into how dire I think things might get in "peaceful", "prosperous" America in the current political climate, I just know that this:

is a place I never want to find myself in. Thus, I store food. All of us survivalist folks have our own preferences and ways of doing things. I divide my food storage into four categories. Category One are foods that have a good shelf life and are things that you buy in every day stores and would use in every day situations. Things like Pilot Bread, canned goods, pickled veg, milk powder etc. Look for a case lot sale or a good deal and buy some extra every time you find a deal. These foods come in handy when you live on an island like I do, and some drastic weather prevents the grocery barge from coming in for a week or two. Or if something drastic happens "Down South" and Alaska has supply problems for a short while. Or, if you are like me, and you forget to take out your week's worth of meat from your meat freezer and find yourself with two organic leeks and a bag of organic peppers on a Saturday morning and need to fix lunch! (For someone who is into "preparedness", I sure am a scatterbrain!). No worries, because I had my Category One foods to the rescue! Two leeks and a bag of peppers turned into a beautiful Southwest vegetable soup.

(Two leeks, a bag of peppers, 1 can tomato puree, 1 can pinto beans, 1 can kidney beans, 1 can corn, spices & salt. Served with Pilot Bread, of course) The good thing about my occasional lapse of meal planning, is that I get to practice using my Category One food stash supplies to make something tasty with minimal fresh additions. This way, when the SHTF, I know I can make a tasty meal without getting frazzled about it. Category Two foods are for the more serious scenario. This is where we get into the Mormon-style tubs of grain berries, buckets of honey (honey; the miracle food that never goes bad! Did you know honey found in ancient Egyptian tombs is still good?), and mylar sealed bags of freeze dried goods. Store at least a year's worth of this type of food for your family. There are many different choices of where to get your Category Two supplies. I happen to like AAOOB Unless you are rich and can buy whatever you want, stick with your basics first. Don't be distracted by all the shiny, dehydrated "taco bits" and such. You can always add those later. And if you get in the habit of baking your own bread with grain that you have ground yourself, you will find that buying grain berries is much cheaper and when the SHTF, using your grain mill will be no big deal, because you already do that. Category Three foods are your renewable food sources. Seeds for gardening, things that are alive and breed more things that are alive (chickens, bunnies etc.) I am sadly not very strong in this department, because of my current residential situation. I keep hens for eggs and I have a seed stash for my garden. That's about all I can do in my current location. Buy seeds from an organic, heirloom seed company. Again, there are many to choose from. I am also drying and storing seeds from the organic vegetables I grow and get in my CSA box. There are so many opinions about how to dry and store seeds from vegetables. All I have to say about it, is that many ancient cultures stored seeds without any fancy technology or freezers and refrigerators. I am experimenting with storing my dried seeds in different types of containers and, since I plan to use them all next year in the garden anyway, am not too concerned about long-term storage. Again, if you live a lifestyle in which you grow foods and store seeds for the next year ahead, none of this will be a big deal if it becomes a necessity. I am trying glass jars and cleaned dry containers for things like baby formula. I most certainly will post the germination results come Spring. I just am leery about freezing seeds for vegetables that normally grow in areas where it never freezes. Crazy, right!? So, Category Four is a special category. These are your PMA foods (Positive Mental Attitude). I store things like Kool Aid, candy, cocoa powder, alphabet soup noodles. Basically anything that will keep and that will make you happy when things are gloomy. Yes, I know Kool Aid is crap and is not really food, but do not underestimate the importance of these little treats. When everything is topsy turvy, my kids will still smile over a glass of Kool Aid when the kids down the street are drinking plain water. A Positive Mental Attitude is the most important tool in any survival situation. Without one, you are as good as dead. So store things that make you happy! Twinkies, peeps; whatever junk makes you smile. You will miss them when they are gone ;) Also, this is an excellent way to make all that Halloween candy "disappear"; put it in your food storage for a crappy day when you can't just run to the store for a Twinkie.

(In)Justice in Ketchikan.

Time to get a wee bit serious here at the Coffeeshop. I am quite displeased with the DA's office here in Ketchikan. We recently had two major animal cruelty cases that were not prosecuted. One, because the suspect was a witness in another crime and was given a deal and left the State. The other because the suspect fled to Canada. Apparently, out of sight is out of mind as far as our DA is concerned. Yet, one of our locals was arrested for DUI at Wardstock, even after blowing 0.00 FOUR times and not having any illicit drugs in his system either. Harold had a court date today and the prosecution did not show up. His case should be dismissed at that point, don't you think? Wrong. Apparently the prosecution can just not show up and your case just gets postponed. I assure you that if Harold and his attorney had not shown, he would have been held in contempt of court; probably would have a warrant issued for his arrest. At an administrative hearing I once had, the arresting officer did not show and no evidence was submitted (lucky me), which saved me a lot of khakha pue pue. Basically the hearing was thrown out. This was in Dallas county, Texas. I just don't understand why Harold's case was not dismissed.

I have heard of people being arrested and charged with DUI when they are stone cold sober, blow 0.00 and are just tired. Arguably, being tired does impair your reflexes, but there is no law on the books that says it is unlawful to drive under the influence of fatigue. And how exactly would you go about measuring how fatigued someone is? How do you quantify it? You really can't. I wish Harold all the best. I sincerely hope his case gets dismissed. If it doesn't, I will have lost any faith I had in the Ketchikan justice system.

Hello. Welcome. Pull Up a Chair.

Thank you for dropping by Keyser Söze's Coffeeshop, where the coffee (and some times the language) is strong. I can only assume you are here, because you enjoy my ramblings. Yes, I killed my Facebook. I had to. I have blogged, journalled and been a member of online forums for over a decade and never before did things get as strange as they did on my Facebook page. Never before have people taken pictures of me off a blog or journal, and inappropriately photoshopped them. Never before has any of my writing attracted the weird attention that I received on Facebook. Never before has anyone thrown a shitfit over a picture of my neighbor's cat and never before has some random dude in Pennsylvania messaged me asking me to take down a picture of my toddler son splashing in the ocean, because his butt was not covered in the picture. All these things happened over my Facebook page. I have come to the conclusion that Facebook just brings out the very worst in people and I will have no part of it anymore. I had my page for a year and a half and I experienced more bizarre drama than in all my years of using the internet. Anyway, I have to write . Writing, to me, is like taking a hot bath after a long day. It is a way to unwind and decompress. I am unapolagetically opinionated. My children play naked in the forest and the ocean and I talk like a sailor, because my grandfather - my male role model growing up - worked in the shipyard and had a rather flowery way of speaking. If these things bother you, I suggest you don't come to Keyser Söze's Coffeeshop. Best, Sharon.