Ten Things The Dutch Can Learn From Americans.

You know, I so often get asked why I left my country of origin. Some people simply can't fathom why I would have chosen to leave. Truth be told, Americans know very little about what Dutch society is really like. And likewise, the Dutch have a completely distorted view of what American society is like (thank you, Hollywood). Then today I got this article shoved in my face. "Ten Things The Americans Can Learn From Amsterdammers." As usual it is trite and filled with cliched bullshit that I don't even care to translate for you. Honestly, it made me roll my eyes.

Now, I was born and raised in Amsterdam the Netherlands, and have lived the past 11 years in the USA; my home by choice. More specifically, I would like to describe myself as "Dutch by birth, Alaskan by choice." I think I have a pretty good idea of what life in both the Netherlands and the USA is like. I would like to present you with ten things I think the Dutch can learn from the Americans; you know, just to even the playing field.

1. Don't Expect Government To Solve All Your Problems For You. Seriously, Dutch society is LEGISLATED TO DEATH. You can hardly fart without filling out an application at the "gemeente" (city/county). This has lead the Dutch to look to their government for every little problem they face. Honestly, it's disturbing. If there happens to be a problem that falls outside the tangled cobweb of Dutch laws, the first thing people cry is: "There ought to be a law against that!" BAM! More legislative bullshit to deal with, making their choked up society even less free. It's a vicious cycle. There is very little initiative to solve any societal problem without passing another constricting law.

2. MOVE! Oh, you are so proud that you travel every summer to "a country that doesn't speak your language". I hate to break this to you, but camping out on a campground in France where 80% of the other people are also Dutch vacationers doesn't count. Neither does going to Ibiza, where 90% of the other people are also Dutch and the Spanish waiters and bartenders have learned enough Dutch to deal with you. The vast majority of Dutch people live in the very city/town/county they were born in and the ones that don't live within a few miles. It is rare for the Dutch to move away from their place of birth. They are like barnacles; they settle somewhere and stay there for generations upon generations. Americans move all the time. City to city, State to State, sea to shining sea. We are much more horizontally mobile than the Dutch. And let me tell you, moving from TX to AK is much more of a culture shock than a Dutch person vacationing for 2 weeks in Ibiza.

3. Pioneering Spirit Start learning to do things for yourselves! The Dutch education system is so weirdly compartimentalized that you basically get put in a level and choose a direction when you are 12 or 13 years old. Did you know what you wanted to do with your life at 12 or 13?? It becomes exceedingly hard to change levels of education or direction as you go on. One of my American friends is a brilliant surgeon. She has an undergraduate degree in Theater from an Ivy League school and then decided to go to Medical School. In the Netherlands, she likely would never have become a surgeon because she chose to study theater. In the US, it doesn't matter what you decide to learn or when you decide to learn it; changing direction in life is nothing unusual and not hard. People do it all the time. You can learn welding at the same time as taking advanced literature courses. This is not really possible in Holland. Damn shame, they could be missing out on the best welders and surgeons ever. The people that are placed in the college prep track at 12/13 will likely never do anything practical for themselves. I can plumb, fix my car engine, set up a scientific experiment on the effects of phosphates on marine invertebrates, teach my kids Latin, grow my own food, administer IM injections of antibiotics to my chickens and many more things that I would NEVER, EVER have even thought to learn how to do if I had stayed in the Netherlands, because I had been placed in a certain "learning level/tract" when I was 12. And the Dutch pretty much expect "experts" who were placed in other tracts to do things for them. I fact, in the Netherlands I would not even have been able to buy syringes and veterinary antibiotics for my chickens without producing some kind of document stating I have completed vocational training in animal care. I also would not be allowed to homeschool my kids and teach them Latin or anything else for that matter.

4. Think Outside Of The Box. The biggest difference between the Americans and the Dutch is that an American will assume he is allowed/able to do something unless specifically told otherwise, whereas a Dutch person will assume he is not allowed until specifically told that he is (see #1 above). Because of reasons #1, 2, and 3 above, most Dutch people suffer from "Poldervision". No, I do not mean it in the way that Bill Clinton does, I mean they simply do not look further than the polder is wide. I was born an out-of-box thinker and thus growing up in the Netherlands was extremely stifling to me. "You can't do that," and "That's impossible," were two phrases I heard all the time. "You want to skip year 5 of VWO? Why would you want to? That's not possible!" (I did skip year 5, but only after I threatened to drop out of school completely if they did not let me). It was Hell. It was like being in The Matrix and being the only person to realize they were in The Matrix. *shivers*

It is also why the Netherlands needs to import certain skilled professionals, like for example in Networking (that is how I came to meet my American husband; lured to the Netherlands by a job building networks and a cushy 30% tax ruling that the Dutch themselves do not enjoy thirteen years ago).

5. You Can Enjoy A Sports Team Without Hating Their Arch-Rival, Bashing Opposing Team's Fans With Lead Pipes And Vandalizing Things. Seriously, this shit:

does not happen here. Possibly because we are all armed ;)

6. Blackface Is Just Not OK Anymore In The 21st Century.

Oh, it's culture, you say. Well, so is calling people the N-Word, Chink or Kike over here, but that just isn't cool anymore either. Sure, the Netherlands doesn't have the same societal guilt over slavery the USA does, but by all right the Netherlands SHOULD have that same guilt. Guess who were the biggest Triangular Traders? That's right, the Dutch. That's like saying: Oh, I abhor Product X. Product X is illegal in the Netherlands and I would never use it, but we will GLADLY ship Product X to the US where it *is* allowed to be traded. And then, even though we abhor it and don't allow it, we can sleep soundly at night, even though we just sold it to someone else. Yeah, not cool. Just knock it off with the Blackface already.

7. It's OK To Be Exuberant. Yes, we get it. You were a predominantly Calvinist society for a long time. You eat ONE sandwich for lunch without any sides. You have EITHER ham OR cheese on said sandwich, never both. You give your guests only ONE COOKIE with their coffee, no more. Great. You have a saying that translates to: "Act normal, because that is crazy enough." Wonderful. Did you know the Belgians laugh at your "hospitality" and "generosity"? So does everyone else in the world. Calvinist sobriety is nothing to be proud of. The Dutch even have a special dish they used to serve guests to tell them it was time to fuck off; the "Uitsmijter".

(a sunny side up egg with cheese melted on top) My Native Alaskan friends would LAUGH AT YOUR IDEA OF GENEROSITY! Over here, I not only let my guests have as many cookies as they fucking like, I don't expect them to leave when it's dinner time. I always make enough. And what goes around comes around, as witnessed by the giant bag of scrap deer meet my friend left JUST FOR MY CHICKENS (Thank you again, Amber). That's right, my chickens ate venison. How do you like them apples!? Take your coffee and your ONE cookie and shove them up your ass. Oh, that's right, you probably can't even own chickens, because that is against the law (see #1). The point is, don't think you are better than anyone else because you offer some kind of cold, limited hospitality. The Dutch lack exuberance. It's ok, feed your friends a full dinner. Have a BBQ, have more than ONE cookie. Life is short, be exuberant.

8. GET RID OF YOUR FUCKING MONARCHY! This one is very close to my heart. I always thought it was wrong to have a family of people, who are rich enough on generations of exploiting everyone else, as heads of State. LIVING PRETTY ON THE COMMON MAN'S TAX MONEY! What the fuck is wrong with you to still have this shitty system!? Best thing Americans ever did was get rid of the fucking King of England. And just because the monarch doesn't choose to exercise their executive powers, doesn't mean there won't be one that WILL. And then what are you going to do? Oh, you don't think that will happen? You think that the Dutch are beyond enforcing archaic laws? I guess you missed this story about a stupid stichting enforcing a medieval law that was never scrapped to rape the nearby residents and levy a medieval tax on them. A MEDIEVAL FUCKING TAX! You know what? If that were me, I'd be like: "Oh, you want to get medieval? I'll get my fellow peasants and some pitchforks and torches and BURN THIS MOTHER' DOWN. And that is, of course, part of the reason I did not fit in so well in the country I was born in ;)

9. Speak Your Mind. Oh, that's right, you don't really have freedom of speech, do you? I remember a t-shirt depicting a stamp with the Queen's image and the text "Lick Me". Yeah, those were banned. See #8 and start with that. Then remove all the other crap that actually prevents you Dutch from speaking freely. For a country that prides itself in being so direct when it comes to talking, you have an awful lot of restrictions on what you can- and can not express in speech, print and on television. Yeah, good luck with that. Yet another reason I didn't quite fit in and had to move; wrote a stunning article about why the monarchy should be abolished. Not only did it not get published, I got a warning and a nice little file with my name on it at a certain government agency. So it's time you DEMANDED true freedom of speech.

10. RELAX. For a country that prides itself in having 36 hour work weeks and 5 weeks of vacation for most people, you sure are an uptight, judgemental bunch. Most of you have never been outside the continent of Europe, yet you are so quick to judge us across the pond. How about you spend some of those five weeks over here for a change? Don't go to Vegas, don't go to cities, come experience The Wild for a change. You don't have that back home. You destroyed your natural resources long ago and replaced them with trees planted neatly 1 meter apart from one another. The only wild animals most of you will see are seagulls and pigeons. I have bears and wolves in my back yard. Our lives are very different. Come and take a look. Perhaps I will be spared from reading yet another cliched article about how fat and stupid we are at your hands. Remember, I used to be one of you. Part of me will always be Dutch and part of me never was; that's why I left.

Do Not Taunt The Octopus.

It's been kind of quiet over here at the coffeeshop. I have been very busy with the production of My Fair Lady that I am in and find myself with not enough hours in a day. You should see my laundry pile! Last week I received a link to this article in my email box from my old mentor. I have absolutely no problem with people harvesting animals for food. What bothers me is the manner in which this gentleman harvested the octopus. The animal suffered needlessly. If you are going to kill an animal for food, you should really do it humanely. A clean, quick kill. Also, I am not entirely convinced he harvested the animal with the intention of eating it. Giant Pacific Octopuses are terminal reproducers, just like salmon. They spawn, then die. The females stay alive for 4-6 months after laying their eggs. They guard their eggs and aerate them by blowing water over them. In this time, their bodies are slowly degenerating. The octopus that was harvested was a female guarding her eggs. I assure you she would not have been very tasty to eat. Nevermind that harvesting a female with eggs also means that 80.000 larval octopuses were killed as well. Octopus babies do not need their mother after they hatch, but a batch of unguarded eggs is just a free lunch down in the ocean. All in all, I find that this diver acted unethically. He also apparently never heard the story of Devilfish bay. It goes a little something like this: Once upon a time there was a native Alaskan village near a bay where a giant octopus lived. Some teenaged boys foolishly taunted the giant octopus and that night, it ate their whole village, leaving only three survivors. I had the great pleasure of meeting someone from the clan that this story came from. They are quite serious about their giant octopuses up here. It is a good read, I highly recommend the book. Oh, and of course the moral of the story and this post: Do not taunt the giant octopus!

Critical Thought; Your Civic Duty.

Time to get more serious here at the coffeeshop, if only for a moment. I am at the moment, a card carrying Republican. I think you all can guess who my pick was in the primaries. I also think you already know that I have absolutely no respect for either Mitt Romney or Barack Obama, so either way the pendulum swings tomorrow, I will be stuck with an elected official I can not stand. I have been reading some posts online from friends I hold dear, urging everyone to "stand by" and "support" whomever will be our President for the next four years. Although I care for my friends and hold them in high regard, I must politely disagree with this statement. In my opinion, blindly supporting an elected official, just because they won the election, is...well..stupid. Sure, in places like North Korea, you are expected to give your devotion, trust and support to whomever rules the country, but in a democracy, you have every right to question your representatives. You have every right to SAY that you disagree and question their policies. And In my opinion, being critical of your representatives, even if you voted for that person, is not just a right, but your most important civic duty. Discourse is necessary in a democracy. If you don't, you may as well live in a place like North Korea. Please don't ask me to "support" whomever wins tomorrow and certainly don't tell me I am being unpatriotic, because I vehemently will not support either choice. It is like telling Italians in the 1930's; "Hey, that Mussolini dude is an asshole, but he's your leader so you should be pariotic and support him anyway." Even if my choice of candidate had won the primaries and then the election, I would continue to think about is decisions n a critical manner, and if you are any kindof patriot, so will you after tomorrow.

Happy Fall, From Alaska.